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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Cannon
Cannons
Owning
Gun
Idea
Hate
Ideas
Love

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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