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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Owning
Gun
Idea
Hate
Ideas
Love
Cannon
Cannons

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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
Daniel Tosh