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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Gun
Idea
Hate
Ideas
Love
Cannon
Cannons
Owning

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
Daniel Tosh