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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Idea
Hate
Ideas
Love
Cannon
Cannons
Owning
Gun

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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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