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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Florida
Excuse
Grew
Everything
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
Daniel Tosh
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Daniel Tosh
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
Daniel Tosh
Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
Daniel Tosh
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
Daniel Tosh
I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
Daniel Tosh
It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
Daniel Tosh
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Daniel Tosh
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
Daniel Tosh
Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
Daniel Tosh
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Daniel Tosh
I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
Daniel Tosh
Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
Daniel Tosh
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
Daniel Tosh
You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Daniel Tosh
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
Daniel Tosh
If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
Daniel Tosh
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Daniel Tosh
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Daniel Tosh
You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
Daniel Tosh
