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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
People
Hand
Thank
Enjoy
Mouth
Everyone
Clearly
Away
Mouths
Hands
Jokes
Feel
Watching
Feels
Laugh
Shitty
Make
Laughing
Joke

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Daniel Tosh
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
Daniel Tosh
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
Daniel Tosh
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
Daniel Tosh