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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Everyone
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Away
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Jokes
Feel
Watching
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Laugh
Shitty
Make
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Joke
People
Hand
Thank
Enjoy
Mouth

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
Daniel Tosh
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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