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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Feels
Laugh
Shitty
Make
Laughing
Joke
People
Hand
Thank
Enjoy
Mouth
Everyone
Clearly
Away
Mouths
Hands
Jokes
Feel
Watching

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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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