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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Year
Skinny
Tell
Princess
Wells
Horrible
Well
Models
Years
Guess
Really
Daughter
Parents
Parent
Sixteen

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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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