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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Parents
Parent
Sixteen
Year
Skinny
Tell
Princess
Wells
Horrible
Well
Models
Years
Guess
Really
Daughter

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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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