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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Years
Guess
Really
Daughter
Parents
Parent
Sixteen
Year
Skinny
Tell
Princess
Wells
Horrible
Well
Models

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Daniel Tosh
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
Daniel Tosh
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Daniel Tosh