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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Parents
Parent
Sixteen
Year
Skinny
Tell
Princess
Wells
Horrible
Well
Models
Years
Guess
Really
Daughter

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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
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