Quote

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

Daniel Tosh

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Would
Played
Watching
Stand
Worst
Water
Polo
Kids
Corrected
Thought
Soccer
Always
Punishment

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

Image
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
Daniel Tosh
Image
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
Daniel Tosh
Image
If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
Image
The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
Daniel Tosh
Image
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Daniel Tosh
Image
e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
Daniel Tosh
Image
If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
Daniel Tosh
Image
Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
Daniel Tosh
Image
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Daniel Tosh
Image
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
Daniel Tosh
Image
It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
Daniel Tosh