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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Water
Polo
Kids
Corrected
Thought
Soccer
Always
Punishment
Would
Played
Watching
Stand
Worst
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
Daniel Tosh
Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
Daniel Tosh
I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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