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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Lock
Locks
Whenever
Door
Car
Doors
People
Locking
Popping

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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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