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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Smarter
Twice
Saying
Jobs
Charger
Made
Cord
Long
Cords
Would
Iphone
Steve
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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