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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Twice
Saying
Jobs
Charger
Made
Cord
Long
Cords
Would
Iphone
Steve
Smarter
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
Daniel Tosh
You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
Daniel Tosh
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
Daniel Tosh
If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
Daniel Tosh
I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
Daniel Tosh
I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
Daniel Tosh
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
Daniel Tosh
At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
Daniel Tosh
