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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Made
Cord
Long
Cords
Would
Iphone
Steve
Smarter
Twice
Saying
Jobs
Charger
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
Daniel Tosh
If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
Daniel Tosh
Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
Daniel Tosh
