Quote

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Normal
Dead
Solved
Problem
Infant
Back
Shirt
Heart
Urban
Shirts
Abortion

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
Daniel Tosh
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
Daniel Tosh
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Daniel Tosh
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Daniel Tosh
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
Daniel Tosh
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
Daniel Tosh
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
Daniel Tosh
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
Daniel Tosh
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
Daniel Tosh
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Daniel Tosh
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
Daniel Tosh