Quote

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Abortion
Normal
Dead
Problem
Solved
Back
Infant
Heart
Shirt
Urban
Shirts

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
Daniel Tosh