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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Garden
Look
Firsts
Everything
Sinned
Looks
Eden
First
Ladies
Adam
Bible
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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