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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Looks
Eden
First
Ladies
Adam
Bible
Garden
Look
Firsts
Everything
Sinned
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Daniel Tosh
Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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