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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Hard
Girls
Really
Guys
Nice
Guy
Actually
Girl
Easy
Find
Ugly
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
Daniel Tosh
If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
Daniel Tosh
I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
Daniel Tosh
I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Daniel Tosh
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Daniel Tosh
Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
Daniel Tosh
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Daniel Tosh
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Daniel Tosh
The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
Daniel Tosh
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
Daniel Tosh
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
Daniel Tosh
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Daniel Tosh
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
Daniel Tosh
Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
Daniel Tosh
Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
Daniel Tosh
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
Daniel Tosh
Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
Daniel Tosh
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
Daniel Tosh
