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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Guy
Actually
Girl
Easy
Find
Ugly
Hard
Girls
Really
Guys
Nice

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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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