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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Country
Courses
Ball
Like
Course
Welcome
People
Four
Balls
Dies
Entertainment
Bleachers
Hours
Watching
Chase
Half
Europe
Enjoyable
Ends
Unless
Collapse
America
Already
Soccer

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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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