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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
America
Already
Soccer
Country
Courses
Ball
Like
Course
Welcome
People
Four
Balls
Dies
Entertainment
Bleachers
Hours
Watching
Chase
Half
Europe
Enjoyable
Ends
Unless
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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