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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Enjoyable
Half
Europe
Collapse
Ends
Unless
Soccer
America
Already
Country
Courses
Ball
Like
Course
Welcome
People
Four
Balls
Bleachers
Dies
Entertainment
Chase
Hours
Watching

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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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