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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Ends
Unless
Collapse
America
Already
Soccer
Country
Courses
Ball
Like
Course
Welcome
People
Four
Balls
Dies
Entertainment
Bleachers
Hours
Watching
Chase
Half
Europe
Enjoyable
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Daniel Tosh
You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
Daniel Tosh
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh