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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Hops
Backwards

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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Daniel Tosh
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Daniel Tosh
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
Daniel Tosh