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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Hops
Backwards

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
Daniel Tosh
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
Daniel Tosh