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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
White
Matter
Hard
Mexicans
Work
Boxer
Always
Boxers
Like
Republican
Lose
Loses

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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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