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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Matter
Mexicans
Hard
Boxer
Work
Boxers
Always
Republican
Like
Lose
Loses
White

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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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