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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Lose
Loses
White
Matter
Hard
Mexicans
Work
Boxer
Always
Boxers
Like
Republican
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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