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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Work
Boxer
Always
Boxers
Like
Republican
Lose
Loses
White
Matter
Hard
Mexicans
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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