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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
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Republican
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Loses
White
Matter
Hard
Mexicans
Work
Boxer
Always
Boxers
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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