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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Like
Republican
Lose
Loses
White
Matter
Hard
Mexicans
Work
Boxer
Always
Boxers

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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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