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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Make
Pancakes
Flat
Flats
Sides
Two
Stills
Still
Matter

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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh