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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Believe
Desert
Camera
Sticks
Cameras
Exists
Gonna
Roomba
Space
Mars
Tell
Stick

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
Daniel Tosh
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
Daniel Tosh