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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Cameras
Exists
Gonna
Roomba
Space
Mars
Tell
Stick
Believe
Desert
Camera
Sticks

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
Daniel Tosh