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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Gonna
Roomba
Space
Mars
Tell
Stick
Believe
Desert
Camera
Sticks
Cameras
Exists

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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
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