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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Offers
Drug
Cause
Causes
Anyone
Kids
Drugs
Remember
Expensive
Ever
Thank

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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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