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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Offers
Drug
Cause
Causes
Anyone
Kids
Drugs
Remember
Expensive
Ever
Thank
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
Daniel Tosh
Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
Daniel Tosh
I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
Daniel Tosh
You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
Daniel Tosh
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
Daniel Tosh
I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh
