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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Drug
Cause
Causes
Anyone
Kids
Drugs
Remember
Expensive
Ever
Thank
Offers

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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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