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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Causes
Anyone
Kids
Drugs
Remember
Expensive
Ever
Thank
Offers
Drug
Cause

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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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