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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Causes
Anyone
Kids
Drugs
Remember
Expensive
Ever
Thank
Offers
Drug
Cause

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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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