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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Cause
Causes
Anyone
Kids
Drugs
Remember
Expensive
Ever
Thank
Offers
Drug

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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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