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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Coffee
Women
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More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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