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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Coffee
Women
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More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
Daniel Tosh
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
Daniel Tosh
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
Daniel Tosh
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Daniel Tosh
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
Daniel Tosh