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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Wisconsin
Germany
Past
Really
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More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Daniel Tosh
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
Daniel Tosh