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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Wisconsin
Germany
Past
Really
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More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
Daniel Tosh
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
Daniel Tosh
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
Daniel Tosh
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh