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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Wisconsin
Germany
Past
Really
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More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
Daniel Tosh