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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Wisconsin
Germany
Past
Really
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More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
Daniel Tosh
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
Daniel Tosh
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
Daniel Tosh
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
Daniel Tosh
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
Daniel Tosh
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
Daniel Tosh
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
Daniel Tosh