Quote

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Course
Riddle
Happiness
Skip
Money
Homeless
Persons
Allowed
Person
Answer
Ever
Answers
Seen
Courses
Buys

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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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