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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Make
English
Rules
Silent
Harder
Spelling
Exist
Immigrants
Learn
Illegal
Difficult
Immigration
Many
Letters

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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
Daniel Tosh
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
Daniel Tosh