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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Many
Letters
Make
English
Rules
Silent
Harder
Spelling
Exist
Immigrants
Learn
Illegal
Difficult
Immigration

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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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