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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Tell
Better
Sunrise
Sleeping
Watching
Sleep

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
Daniel Tosh
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Daniel Tosh
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
Daniel Tosh
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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
Daniel Tosh
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
Daniel Tosh
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
Daniel Tosh