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There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Liam
Types
Type
Left
Two
Men
World

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Daniel Tosh
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Daniel Tosh
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
Daniel Tosh
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
Daniel Tosh
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
Daniel Tosh
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Daniel Tosh
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
Daniel Tosh
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
Daniel Tosh
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
Daniel Tosh
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
Daniel Tosh
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
Daniel Tosh
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh