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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Girls
Blue
Aren
Pretty
Eyes
Tricking
Eye
Filters
Girl
Glow
Use
Shut

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
Daniel Tosh