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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Girls
Blue
Aren
Pretty
Eyes
Tricking
Eye
Filters
Girl
Glow
Use
Shut

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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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