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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Girl
Glow
Use
Shut
Girls
Blue
Aren
Pretty
Eyes
Tricking
Eye
Filters

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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
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I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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