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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Eye
Filters
Girl
Glow
Use
Shut
Girls
Blue
Aren
Pretty
Eyes
Tricking
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
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I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
Daniel Tosh
Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
Daniel Tosh
I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
Daniel Tosh